Death is present.
We are all human, although most of us refuse to admit it. We don’t feel like we’re going to die. We don’t expect that at all.
From the moment Terra was first diagnosed, we had to contemplate death. Not in the sense that I’ll see her close, but for Teresa, she’s already become a part of reality. It was simply one of the options to end her illness. I tried to get it out of it, but I just thought to myself that I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like when I tell you at 26 that you have cancer. Lung cancer, despite not smoking. How can your head handle this information?
It took a little more than three years. More than three extremely stressful years, during which Terra struggled every day to think about what was going to happen, and what it would be like. I wondered if we had achieved everything. For example, you never accepted that we would no longer be able to have children. I asked why I did what I did to whom.
I tried to be there for her, as a link to everyday life. And if not, then our loved ones. When she clearly didn’t want to be alone, someone was still with her.
It prevented my teeth from falling into depression. I didn’t run for alcohol or anything like that, that’s not the solution. Booze doesn’t help to forget anyway, on the contrary, it crosses my mind that feelings will wake up within you and you will start to regret them. And self-pity does not lead to anything. I needed the strength instead. I needed to go home and at least look tough in the luggage compartment on the outside to see I really think it would be good.
However, the more poorly the test results came out, we argued. Terra convinced me she was going to die. It was done and why were you still with her when she was practically dead. I told her it’s not about that. That I love her and that we will stay together forever. The next morning I went to training again, without anyone having any idea what we were going through at home.
This is an excerpt from a story without sentences by soccer player Daniel Colay. You can read the full story on this link.